I never thought as myself of being a strip club guy. Like most American males, I enjoy my share of booze, red meat, and pussy. This burning desire for me to hit a strip club usually comes out when I’m traveling in other cities. Sitting at the bar and watching tits is OK, but the lap dance is where it’s at. A sleazy male pastime, a justifiable corporate expenditure, and a right of passage into adulthood for dudes: The Lap Dance.
I’ve had my fair share of lap dances in my time and travels, but what makes some lap dances better than others? I’ve calculated a formula to ensure the best bang for your buck (no pun intended) to maximize return on lap dance investments.
First, build rapport and create light conversation with the stripper. Just because she’s got sick moves on the pole doesn’t mean she’s going to give a good lap dance. A lap dance is a sale, so don’t storm the Bastille and buy a private dance immediately after she gets off stage.
The hottest chick in the club usually doesn’t give the best dances and will be inclined to sell you on a more “intimate experience” in a VIP area. Forget that! Find a friendly stripper who is fat in all the right places. She’s more likely to work harder during the lap dance as she’s self conscious about her body in comparison to the other girls working. Play that self-esteem card to your advantage.
For added quality assurance, pick the right song. This past weekend I got dirty to Kanye West – “Flashing Lights”. A song you know and like will always help your cause and keep you from sitting there like a dead fish. The most crucial element of the lap dance is the ass / to dick ratio. This should your motor going. Tuck your boner up and adjust your balls to maximize pleasure. Show your girl she’s doing something right.
The grinding of a stripper’s ass on your junk will always prevail when evaluating a lap dance. In addition to ass to dick ratio (grinding) the following elements should be taken into consideration:
1. Blowing / licking ears.
2. Talking dirty.
3. Booty smacks.
4. Scents. (Cotton candy!)
5. Vaginal or anal exposure.
6. Boobs in face. (Nips on lips.)
7. Petting over/under the pants.
8. Pantomimed blow-jobs or over the pants “cock biting”.
9. Finger penetration. (Play on Playette…No diggity, no doubt, uh!)
On one particular Vegas trip, a buddy of mine (seasoned strip club vet.) had a lap dance with all the elements noted above. (Including healthy helping of ass to dick ratio) He ended up pre-jacking and was left to roam the strip club with wet-draws. To his surprise, upon walking out into the blinding Nevada sun at 9:30 AM, his pants were completely dry! He carried on the rest of the day wearing the semen-caked underwear with pride. The ecstasy he ate earlier that night certainly helped his cause, but one must remember ass to dick ratio always overrules.
